The Power of Absolutes
That’s Absolutes, not Absolut. (Although I’m fairly certain vodka holds its own kind of evil power.)
We’ve all heard the old adage, “Never assume. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.” That’s sage advice, you know. I’ve learned some Absolutes in life, and for the sake of furthering the Common Sense cause, I’m willing to share them with you. Ignore them at your peril.
10 Things You Should Always Do:
1. Check the top of the mustard container before shaking it vigorously.
2. Lock the bedroom door.
3. Search the oven for Barbies before turning on the pre-heat dial.
4. Unplug electronics during thunderstorms.
5. Find a new public restroom if someone has been in there awhile.
6. Pay credit cards in full.
7. Presume a baby CAN roll over.
8. Bake cookies for the trash removal folks a few times a year.
9. Get away from any redneck who grins and says, “Watch THIS!”
10. Trust God. The Big Guy knows what he’s doing.
…and on the flip side, (you knew there’d be a flip side, right?), there are also some Nevers to consider:
10 Things You Should NEVER Do:
1. Walk up behind a man using a chainsaw.
2. Tell an IRS agent to kiss your ass.
3. Expect Grandma to appreciate the ‘rubber snake in the shower’ gag.
4. Loan money to someone you like.
5. Tell a new friend, “Stop by anytime–we’re always home!”
6. Feed Hormel chili to a 105 lb. dog.
7. Stand on a rolling swivel chair to get something off the top shelf.
8. Swear in front of a child. Slip up in front of a 2 month old and 3 years later he’ll tell Grandma her perfume smells like dogshit.
9. Wait to call a creditor. Suck it up and call them before they call you.
10. Utter the words, “I deserve” or ”It CAN’T get any worse!”
Got some Absolutes of your own? Bring ‘em on. We Common Sense advocates need to stick together. And besides…we can use all the help we can get!
This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com © Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved
May 4, 2008 at 2:41 pm
10 Things You Should Always Do:
1. Own a good stain remover.
2. Lock the front door.
3. Search the oven for tupperware before turning on the pre-heat dial.
4. Unplug the pizza oven.
5. Never pee outside if you can help it.
6. Pay who you need the most first.
7. Presume a baby CAN be conceived.
8. Volunteer.
9. Get away from people who ‘cost’ too much!
10. Trust in yourself.
10 Things You Should NEVER Do:
1. Agrue with someone under the influence.
2. Tell a veteren bar tender how to do their job.
3. Expect Grandma to appreciate to live forever.
4. Borrow money from someone you like.
5. Tell a new friend, “I think we’re gonna be best frineds!”
6. Own a 105 lb. dog.
7. Stand on a rolling anything.
8. Talk in front of a child. They will repeat everything you ever said bad about someone to anyone who will listen!
9. Wait to call a creditor. Suck it up and call them before they call you.
10. Utter the words, “What the hell else can go wrong!”
May 5, 2008 at 8:51 am
Whal, whal, whal… thaaanksss for heping me ge… ge… get my morng started off riighht. I love Ab, um… Absolut…
Just call me Otis
May 5, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“6. Feed Hormel chili to a 105 lb. dog.” LMAO. Know this from experience, ay?
I’ve been keeping up with your blog the last few days. Love your stuff.
I linked it - margeauxj.blogspot.com
Cheers!
May 6, 2008 at 12:19 am
LMAO @ Dusty! (There are a couple of good inside zingers up there, too.)
Preacher, put DOWN the vodka! What have I told you about drinking before 9am?
Thanks Margeaux! I’ve popped over to your site numerous times from Colby’s. I’m adding you to my blogrolls, too. P.S. Yes, the chili story is true. No, you don’t want me to give details.
May 6, 2008 at 11:34 am
You crack me up! How about the “hears your sign people”? And yes I have caught myself on a few occasions doing this…lol
You are sitting at your computer and someone in the family asks, “Whatca doing?”
My answer: Oh nothing, trying to find me a new husband is all! (as you can see, hubby asks this one too often hehe)
or how about someone asking you (when you have run out of gas and you told them so) if you “how” you ran out of gas?
Um, I don’t know? Maybe my gas tank decided to give it too someone else’s car. Omg, people ask the most stupid questions. Who ever came up with the, “There are never any stupid questions”, apparently never dealt with a stupid person.
May 6, 2008 at 2:10 pm
[...] Faith, friends, Jim Croce, Krispy Kreme, Lone Ranger, money, Superman, trust | Well, KT had a great post the other day that got me thinking and would probably do the same for you. Common sense tells us there are [...]
May 6, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Looking for a new husband….rotfl!
Streetpreacher put up his own Absolutes today. Check ‘em out!
http://streetpreacherblog.com/2008/05/06/the-power-of-absolutes/