Ugly Ass Opinion

Today’s missive is one Ugly Ass Opinion takes no credit for. It arrived in my inbox, sent by a friend; a much passed-around email with no author attached. What follows is an exact copy of the text. I have no doubt it’s been changed over time, but certainly not by me. Hats off to the original writer of the piece—wherever you may be.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite was infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.                           

Could I ask for more appropriate Spam? Why no, I could not.

That said, Ugly Ass Opinion will be taking a few days off due to a death in the family. Back soon, carry on.

What’s dirtier than a toilet seat? Your keyboard, according to BBC News. A microbiologist found 150 times the recommended bacterial limit by swabbing one of their office keyboards. Bring on the Lysol wipes!

Germs are everywhere, unavoidable. They’re actually necessary to a degree, by keeping our immune systems working out like Schwarzenegger chasing a Mr. Olympia title. That doesn’t mean we should immerse ourselves in filth.

It always amazes me to see an oblivious parent in a store, pushing a baby who is slobbering all over a shopping cart handle. Oh. My. Gosh.  I could just throttle those people! Yes, I know they like to gum everything–I had two of my own. But buy one of those fabric covers or give the kid a teething ring or something. At the very least, carry antibacterial wipes and hose both kid and cart down before and after use.

Our grocery store actually has a anti-bacterial wipe kiosk next to the carts; a consideration for which I am profoundly grateful. I’m always surprised by the number of people who walk past it without a glance. Anything that keeps someone else’s nasal and fecal germs off my hands and food is Aces in my book!

No, I’m not a germaphobe. I’ve got a issues with birds, balloons and snot –a chicken at a birthday party with a runny nose might just kill me– but germs I can deal with.

Mostly. 

(Ok, I confess I wiped off my keyboard, mouse and desktop with a Lysol wipe just now. Sue me.)

This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com © Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved

The stupid people, I mean. You know, the ones without the Common Sense God gave a turnip. All parents make mistakes, but there’s a huge difference here. The news seems suddenly full of parents without the slightest notion of how to care for a child.

2-month old left unattended in a car while the parents watched the Kentucky Derby in a betting parlor. The baby was fine, thank God, after sitting alone in a running car for 20 minutes. It’s not even as if the parents were standing beside the car and keeping the child inside where it was warmer and less noisy. The were Gone. As in ELSEWHERE. Not just one, but both of them. I’m trying to figure out how even the dumbest of dumbasses could possibly justify such an action, but I’m coming up short.

“Ok little Bubba-Jean, you just lay there fer a bit, ok? Yer Mama has a hot tip on a sa-weet filly that’s gonna put us on easy street, and Daddy wants to watch!”

How are these people getting pregnant? Seriously, how do they figure it out? Slot A, Tab B…you’d think for 2 people lacking THAT much intelligence, there would be too many moving parts.

You’d think.

There are childless couples with loads of Common Sense who would make excellent parents, and yet these boneheads continue popping out children like popcorn.

(sigh) I don’t get it.

That’s Absolutes, not Absolut. (Although I’m fairly certain vodka holds its own kind of evil power.) 

We’ve all heard the old adage, “Never assume. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.” That’s sage advice, you know. I’ve learned some Absolutes in life, and for the sake of furthering the Common Sense cause, I’m willing to share them with you. Ignore them at your peril.

10 Things You Should Always Do:

1. Check the top of the mustard container before shaking it vigorously.

2. Lock the bedroom door.

3. Search the oven for Barbies before turning on the pre-heat dial.

4. Unplug electronics during thunderstorms.

5. Find a new public restroom if someone has been in there awhile.

6. Pay credit cards in full.

7. Presume a baby CAN roll over.

8. Bake cookies for the trash removal folks a few times a year.

9. Get away from any redneck who grins and says, “Watch THIS!”

10. Trust God. The Big Guy knows what he’s doing.

…and on the flip side, (you knew there’d be a flip side, right?), there are also some Nevers to consider:

10 Things You Should NEVER Do:

1. Walk up behind a man using a chainsaw.

2. Tell an IRS agent to kiss your ass.

3. Expect Grandma to appreciate the ‘rubber snake in the shower’ gag.

4. Loan money to someone you like.

5. Tell a new friend, “Stop by anytime–we’re always home!”

6.  Feed Hormel chili to a 105 lb. dog.

7. Stand on a rolling swivel chair to get something off the top shelf.

8. Swear in front of a child. Slip up in front of a 2 month old and 3 years later he’ll tell Grandma her perfume smells like dogshit.

9. Wait to call a creditor. Suck it up and call them before they call you.

10. Utter the words, “I deserve” or  ”It CAN’T get any worse!”

Got some Absolutes of your own? Bring ‘em on. We Common Sense advocates need to stick together. And besides…we can use all the help we can get!

This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com © Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved

Common Sense is an elusive creature many people never see. Unfortunately, too many folks hold Common Sense in the same regard they place unicorns, leprechauns and a balanced national budget. But Common Sense is real. It exists! It CAN be caught and almost mastered.

Almost.

There are moments when Common Sense disappears and Duh-Mode sets in. It happens to us all. I’ll even prove it to you.

When Duh-Mode sets in: examples of Common Sense Gone Awry

 1. Believing my children when they promised to care for guinea pigs SO well, “You won’t even know they’re in the house, Mom!”  Indeed. Two years later I can assure you, I know they’re in the house! After bringing the little furballs home, I did some research into their housing requirements. It seems the cute little tabletop pet cages Petsmart sells are not even close to big enough, no matter what the grinning salesperson says. I now have the guinea pigs in an appropriate sized cage — a 2-story monstrosity the size of our dining room table. 

Common Sense Mistake: Not doing independent pet research beforehand.

2.  Allowing live chickens in my bedroom. No, it’s not a weird sex story. Why I went along with chickens IN MY HOUSE is somewhat beyond me. Especially when you take into account the fact that I have an aversion to birds. Frightened or not, 12 of Satan’s Evil Minions small chickens slept in a cozy box beside my bed for several days because it was too doggone cold outside.

Common Sense Mistake: Not watching the weather channel.

3.  Encouraging my youngest when she showed an interest in how things work. Items formerly in one piece at our house have become jumbled messes of leftover parts. Some kids play with building blocks, my kid tinkers with electrical components.

Common Sense Mistake: Giving the child a real tool kit and turning her loose on the world.

4.  Expecting a cat to show the same uncomplicated devotion as a dog.A few years after losing our beloved Rott/Shep mix, a sad, skinny cat showed up on our doorstep. We took him in and made him a part of our family, but a cat is most definitely not a dog. Where Baby the dog was happiest trying to please her masters, Fisher the catviews us juuuust a little differently. Cats are arrogant and not easily impressed. To his mind, we’re simply likeable staff.  

Common Sense Mistake: Confusing canines with felines.

5. Allowing Hell’s Exercise Equipment a trampoline in our front yard.I knew better. Really, I did. Insurance issues, hoards of children descending on our house… “But Daddy already said yes!”  Thanks for having my back, dear.

Common Sense Mistake: Not thunking my husband with my 2×4 of Reason.

So there you have it. Even those of us who actively pursue the Common Sense creature can find ourselves hopelessly lost in the woods. The trick is to accept our mistake, suck it up, dig the compass back out and to try again.

 This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com© Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved

Customer Service is almost a non-existent practice these days. Service folk seem to be ornery and none-too-happy to be there. Which is amazing to me, since they have a job in an economy where jobs are getting more scarce. It’s easy to blame those awful employees full of attitude for being so damn surly.

But I’m not going to do that.  While I do acknowledge they need a serious lesson in how to deal with the public, it’s The Public I want to address. (That’d be you and me.)

Have you ever stopped to think how you come across to people? Stepped out of the bubble and looked at yourself from the other side of the counter? I think we tend to get Conceited and Self-Absorbed slightly wrapped up in our own lives and forget how we’re treating the people around us. Nobody likes dealing with a pain in the ass. To do it repeatedly, all day long…? YIKES.

So the waitress forgot your ketchup and you had to flag her down. So what? In the overall scheme of life, is a condiment all that important? Maybe she’s been standing on her feet for 8 hours making less than minimum wage. Maybe her toddler was up sick half the night and the dog threw up as she was leaving for work. If you were in her shoes, how peppy do you suppose you’d be? And yet, for forgetting the ketchup, would you leave her with a crappy tip?

I can hear it now: “But it’s her JOB!” True. It is her job. And she should do it to the best of her ability, with a smile. My question is, do YOU? Every day, at work –and WAHM’s, every day you are at work too– every day at work, do you smile? Do you always keep your happy demeanor? Are you fast, efficient and on top of every detail?

Are you really?

It’s something to think about, the way we treat each other. I know I’m guilty of being grumbly out in public and I’ll bet I’m not the only one. I’m trying to be better about that.

The next time your cashier is slow or the guy at the service counter takes forever to do whatever it is you need him to do, cut him some slack. Think about being in his shoes hour after hour, day after day. Maybe what he really needs is a kind word and a smile.

A little empathy can go a long, long way.

This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com© Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved

…Either your name is obvious, or you’re a dear friend of mine from way back.  Shout out to my peep Monica–Miss you Sweets, and you’ll be hearing from me soon. P.S. You’re right–that’s some ugly ass stationery.   ; P

The Propaganda News Coverage available today is really starting to yank my chain. We’re supposed to believe the newscasters are unbiased and providing accurate information. I think not. They’re supplying filtered information deemed acceptable by the Great and Powerful OZ.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! He’s only there to make sure the newscasters don’t get rambunctious and start spewing the whole truth. Creative journalism is so much more convenient. It keeps the herd in line.

Let’s take the hush-hush trucker protest, shall we? Recap from a previous post, roughly 80% of all truckers are independents who are making the same gross pay scale they made 15 years ago. Fuel costs are wiping out the industry. Families are losing their businesses and homes. At today’s prices, could you survive on the wage you made a decade and a half ago? This effects you and your family in a scary-ass way. If you don’t get why I’m harping on this, or why you should care whether truck drivers succeed or not, get more information here. I hate to repeat m’self.

 ”If truckers are hurting, why don’t they do something?” I’ve seen written over and over again — on forum posts, blogs, gas price article comments and everywhere else I look online. They ARE doing something, they’re protesting. They’re doing it in DROVES, but the media is not allowed to say so. Oh sure, you’ll find the occasional dismissive article. Like this one, that mentions a “few” truckers are at the capitol today. It’s a typical sort of blurb on the subject, so it makes a good example. Lemme draw your attention to a few points.

#1. The article refers to the national average for diesel as $4.20 a gallon. It was $4.55 where I live last week, but what-evah. Then it goes on to quote a truck driver stating it costs him up to $1,400.00 to fill his rig with 220 gallons of fuel. WOW, we think, that can’t be right! It isn’t right. The question is, is it a typo, or deliberate misinformation to make the trucker look stupid?  I’ve seen enough of these to know where the bear shits in the woods — it’s easy to dismiss dumb people, and that’s exactly what the statement intended for you to do.

#2. “Traffic was not significantly affected by the convoy of vehicles,” (Bullshit. The DC traffic reports say otherwise. To their credit, FOX News did show segments on DC traffic reports as the trucks were arriving in large numbers. Sort of a ‘read between the lines’ move. Good for them!) “though a few truckers drove through red lights as they honked their horns.” How many vehicles of all shapes and sizes run red lights in DC every day?  Is it generally newsworthy? Nope, just one last jab at the evil truckers.

#3. And this is the most important, so listen up. The media has been told to bury the trucker protest. It is to be a non-story. A small blurb that accounts for the occasional leaked photo, nothing more. You won’t find significant coverage of this movement on the TV, the radio or standard internet news, because OZ HAS SPOKEN. Why? Because if a significant number of Americans start to read the writing on the wall, they’re going to get very, very nervous.

High fuel prices + No income increases = Failed trucking industry.      Failed trucking industry + Decrepit rail system = Food shortages.     Food shortages + Failing economy = Lord of the Flies.

Slanting the media is simply a measure of keeping the herd under control. The next time you turn on the news, read between the lines. Use your common sense to listen to what isn’t being said as much as what is. Remember Hurricane Katrina? The atrocities you saw on television were only what broadcasters were ALLOWED to show you. There was more, and it was worse. My spouse spent 2 1/2 months there. 

Makes you wonder what else you’re not being told, doesn’t it?

–For more about media coverage, check out Dusty’s take on McJournalism. If you can’t touch ‘em with truth, might as well baffle ‘em with bullshit.–

 This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com© Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved

“Metal replicas of bull testicles have become trendy bumper ornaments in some parts of the Sunshine State, but state Sen. Carey Baker is campaigning to ban the orbs.

Baker acknowledged that Florida lawmakers have more pressing issues, including huge revenue shortfalls, but said the state needs to draw a line on what’s obscene before more objectionable adornments appear.” Source story can be found here.

BAHAHAHAHAHA! (wheeze!)  Hahahahahaha! (suck wind!)  Must…have…air…!  (attempting to collect myself) Ok, let me see if I have this straight. Florida legislature is taking up precious time and taxpayer dollars to determine if little metal testicles are obscene or not. Do allow me throw my Ugly Ass Opinion into the ring.

#1 They depict testicles. Not human testicles, mind you, animal testicles. Anyone who has ever driven past a farm has probably noticed a pair. Anyone who has ever owned a fully functioning male dog, cat, guinea pig or almost any other ’standard’ pet has seen them before, including children.

#2  As a parent, I can promise you that by the time a kid is old enough to realize what the balls actually are, they’ve already seen far more graphic things portrayed in the media. I don’t care how vigilant you are as a parent, at one point or another your kids will see erectile dysfunction commercials or witness water buffalo screwing on Animal Planet.

#3  Animal Balls?  Really?  I’ve seen bumper stickers and T-shirts I find far more offensive, haven’t you? Shoot–check out the posters in the kid aisle of any major retail store. Some of the racy half nekkid people on those aren’t appropriate for children, yet they’re mixed right in there with Hannah Montana and Spongebob Squarepants. Look at CD covers openly displayed in any music section. I’d rather my kids see little fake bull balls than some of the graphic art found in the music aisle.

…And yet lawmakers are worried about a pair of these hanging on the bottom of trucks hauling cattle. (snort!)

This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com© Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved

Somebody had a sale on guard rail. They had to, because the entire state of Michigan seems to be getting shiny new guard rail for no particular reason. I’m thinking it must’ve been one helluva sale.

Our roads are among the worst in the nation. You can drive 70 mph, but on stretches of I-94, you take your life in your hands if you do. Y’all are welcome to come visit, but you might want to bring one of those hemorrhoid donuts to sit on in the car. Oh, and wear your seat belt–you don’t want to smack your head on the ceiling as you bounce down the road.

The road construction crews sure are busy. Oh yessiree-bob! They’re putting up guard rail where no guard rail has gone before. They’re ripping out perfectly usable guard rail and replacing it with…go on–take a guess! My question is Why?  Our potholes have potholes and our bridges are getting scary. If you ever want to freak yourself out, go for a drive beneath the Zilwaukee bridge. (I-75, just North of Bay City.)  YOWSA. Chunks of concrete are laying all over the place! How that thing stays in the air is beyond me. Our roads are a mess, our bridges are in disrepair,

–and yet–

we seem to be concentrating on sparkly new guard rail.

Pssst! To whomever makes these decisions, you should know that here in Michigan, we don’t have too many sheer drop-offs at the edge of the road. A good portion of our state is like Farmland Central. If your car wanders off the road, it just gets stuck in some poor farmer’s field – it doesn’t fall over a cliff.

Say it with me now: Guard rail is good. Guard rail has a definite purpose and place. But good guard rail does NOT have to be replaced just because there’s shinier stuff in the warehouse.

Fix the roads!

This article is an original post from www.UglyAssOpinion.com© Kelly L. Trainor 2008 All Rights Reserved